Where have all our manners gone?

By Lynn Taylor Rick, Journal staff writer | Tuesday, May 16, 2006

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Maybe it’s the guy at the intersection who apparently doesn’t know that his car came with a turn signal.

Perhaps it’s the cell phone user who plans her wedding in the check-out line, while 20 tired customers wait behind her. Could it be the restaurant patron who profanely analyzes the current political situation, at length, with a mouth full of pizza?

We’ve all seen them. Perhaps we’ve even been them.

Either way, one thing appears to be true, or at least perceived to be true: Good manners are declining.

In a recent Associated Press-Ipos poll, nearly 70 percent of 1,011 adults polled believe that people are ruder today than they were 20 or 30 years ago.

The numbers don’t particularly surprise people such as Sandra Marker, a sociology professor at Black Hills State University in Spearfish.

“I just think that’s one of the reasons that there is so much more conflict in today’s society. We’ve sort of gone away from manners,” she said. “I think there’s been a shift to the more self-centered. We’re a very individualistic society.”

Apparently, this individualism has cloaked people from the disdain that results from bad manners. Gone are the days when people cringed at the thought of being scolded in public.

“People don’t seem to care if someone gives you a look … it doesn’t matter to them,” Marker said. “They don’t care if they’re following societal norms. They’re just sort of doing their own thing.”

At the top of many “doing their own thing” lists are rude cell phone users. Depending upon who you ask, cell phones are either the bane of society or the best thing invented. But almost everyone has either found themselves at the receiving end of a rude cell phone user or unwittingly been one himself.

Spearfish psychologist and BHSU professor Judith Neighbours believes that cell phones might be the canary in the coal mine when it comes to manners. “Because we have cell phones, it (the lack of manners) may be more noticeable to us now,” she said.

Pennington County treasurer Janet Sayler and her employees can laugh about it now, but they have all found themselves suffering through a transaction or two while a customer chats away on a cell phone.

“It was terrible. They would come up here and do business on their cell phone,” she said.

The Treasurer’s office issues license plate renewals, as well as other registrations that require specific details, Sayler said. Tellers were having a hard time getting full attention from cell phone users, and Sayler feared that mistakes were inevitable.

“I mean, they were doing grocery lists and everything else on the cell phone,” she said.

To combat the problem, Sayler posted a sign that reads, “Please refrain from talking on your cell phone while we are processing your transaction. We need your full attention to be able to complete your transaction correctly.”

It seems to help. “There are a lot of people who will hang up their cell phones when they get to the counter now,” she said.

The Treasurer’s office is hardly alone. At such diverse places as doctors’ offices, theaters and churches, more businesses and public facilities are demanding that people use better judgment when it comes to their cell phones.

Marker said that although many people blame a rise in rudeness — especially with cell phones — to people’s oblivion, she isn’t buying that theory.

“I think some of it is because everybody wants to feel like they’re unique. I think we’re a very insecure society, so we want other people to make us feel secure,” Marker said.

“I think that it’s more today than ever, people want to be the center of attention,” she said. “It’s not so much disconnect; they’d rather be the focus.”

For Sayler, one good thing came from her experience with cell phone users: a shift in her own cell phone etiquette. She is now much more considerate and aware of how her own cell phone is affecting those around her.

Hey buddy, get off the road

Ask almost any person who drives and he or she will tell you: Most everyone else on the road is an idiot.

Many never consider the possibility that they might just be one of those idiots.

Whatever the reality, it’s easy to find complaints from local drivers: People don’t use their signals, people drive too fast and/or too slow, people turn into the wrong lane, people won’t allow other drivers to merge into traffic.

Jerry Johnson, a drivers education teacher in Rapid City, said he spends time teaching teenagers not only the rules of the road, but the manners of the road as well.

“One of the skills of driving is social skills,” he said. “I teach them that they are sharing the road with other people.”

Johnson said that, contrary to popular belief, he sees more rude driving behavior from adults than he does from teenagers.

In fact, as part of his class, he asks his students to observe driving at Rapid City intersections. The one thing his teen students routinely report to him is a lack of turn signals by adult drivers.

“Kids are just amazed,” he said. “It amazes me, too. It’s a really simple thing to do.”

Marker sees driving behaviors much the same way she sees other behaviors: not oblivious actions but purposeful. “I do sort of see it as … again the car is sort of an extension of you. You’re using it to express yourself,” she said.

Although Johnson said it is easy to blame tourists or small town visitors, he is not convinced they are the biggest culprits when it comes to rude driving. “It’s our local people that do not blink,” he said. “It drives me crazy, too.”

Pass the potatoes, please

Your mom used to tell you to keep your elbows off the table when you eat and to sit up straight.

Have you passed on those same rules to your kids? Do you still practice them?

In an era of fast food and eating on the go, some of the basic manners that many adults learned as children are being lost, according to Liz Tofteland, a Head Start teacher at Youth and Family Services.

“I do believe it does appear that they’ve gone down,” she said. “We don’t sit down as a family (at mealtimes).”

Tofteland combats the problem with lessons in manners taught in her Head Start classes. The children eat together, using a family-style approach. Each child dishes his or her own plate and pours a drink.

Tofteland said that, initially, some of the kids find it difficult even to sit at the table simply because they are not used to dining together during meals.

“I’ve got 3-year-olds who have never used a napkin. Somebody has always just wiped their mouth,” she said. “It’s got to be pointed out. It’s got to be taught.”

Neighbours agrees. “You teach them by modeling that behavior themselves … kids certainly need prompts.”

Bringing back etiquette

For 10 years, Jo Roebuck-Pearson has made it her business to teach St. Thomas More and St. Elizabeth Seton students manners.

Her involvement started when a group of eighth-graders destroyed the decorations during a school-sponsored dance. Roebuck-Pearson believed that the way to resolve the situation was simple: teach the students how to mingle, approach each other and dance. Teach them to comfortably mingle so that such rowdy behavior wouldn’t be an issue.

“They just need to learn to communicate,” she said.

While the school’s physical education teachers handle the dance instruction, Roebuck-Pearson leads the way in proper etiquette. Over the years, classes have had tea parties, dinner dances and more. Along the way, Roebuck-Pearson instills in them confidence by teaching the basics of social manners. “Etiquette’s all about kindness and to make your life easier,” she said.

The result has been kids with more confidence and therefore kids with better manners, she said. “It’s been delightful.”

As manners sometimes seem to be less and less a part of society, Roebuck- Pearson finds herself more interested in maintaining them.

One bit of basic etiquette she most misses is the simple salutation. “I believe it’s so easy to say good morning, Mrs. … .”

Another area is introductions. Children and adults aren’t making the effort to include everyone in the situation, probably because they were never taught to do so. “Making introductions of themselves, I think that’s key.”

As for herself, Roebuck-Pearson isn’t big on pointing out the foibles of others. “I’m kind of like Will Rogers. I never met a man I didn’t like,” she said.

Although no one has to like everyone around them, Neighbours believes it helps to at least consider them. “Part of manners is being able to think about what other people are thinking or feeling,” Neighbours said.

Marker agrees. “Just to let people know that you have some awareness and you do want to give them some respect,” she said.

Without such manners maintenance, society suffers, Marker said.

“Once you lose respect for people, you have a lot of things break down. It’s almost like, one by one, these things have fallen away and this has become the new norm.”

Contact Lynn Taylor Rick at lynn.taylorrick@rapidcityjournal.com or 394-8414.