Decision to adopt children spans generations

By Marinell Scott Thornburg, Journal staff | Tuesday, November 11, 2008

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Lauren Kjerstad is surrounded by loved ones who understand that “family” is more than just those who are born to us or married to us. If she ever has questions about the meaning and importance of family ties, she will have kin to turn to who will understand. For Lauren, adoption is a part of her life that she shares with her mother, her uncle and her brother: All four were adopted into a family that has experienced adoption in successive generations.

The year was 1961, and Shirley and Cliff Kenoyer, Lauren’s grandparents, decided they wanted to adopt a child.

“I didn’t believe I’d ever become pregnant,” Shirley said. Infertility issues were common in her family.

“I’d had all the tests, and the doctor said with my history, it would be a good idea to adopt. Because I wanted children. I couldn’t imagine not,” she said.

In those years, adoptions in South Dakota all were closed adoptions. There would be no contact between the birth mother and the adoptive family. Potential adoptive families were evaluated and social services agencies attempted to match adoptive families to children. Social workers took into consideration various factors, including the education level of the biological mother, heights of the parents and nationality.

“They tried to match us,” Shirley said. “They felt that ‘fitting in’ was a good thing.”

“We went to social services, met with a social worker, met other couples who were interested in adoption,” she said. “They told us, ‘You might get a child who has a deformity, or a history of a health problem.’ They asked us if we would take a child that was born with a deformity,” Shirley said, her eyes already giving away the answer.

“Children are just babies, and you don’t care. You just take care of them,” she said.

About a year later, in October 1962, after the Kenoyers had completed their paperwork and were approved for adoption, a baby girl was born. A healthy infant, she was given up for adoption by a young unmarried woman who lived with her family in northeastern South Dakota.

The baby was placed in a foster home, and the process toward adoption began. But the baby was exposed to the measles, so her caretakers had to hold tight to see if she contracted the disease. She did not.

In January 1963, Cliff and Shirley were watching the mail daily, hoping and praying for news about a baby. They had been told they could wait up to a year to receive any news about possible adoption.

“We received a letter and had to respond right away,” Shirley said. “It was the end of the week and they asked us to be in Aberdeen on Monday. We went to the foster home in Aberdeen and met a social worker, who brought the baby to us,” Shirley said. “She was beautiful! She had the most beautiful eyes and smile; a happy, happy baby. They asked us to think about it overnight.”

Cliff and Shirley went to a motel to talk it over. But their decision had already been made.

“We went and looked at baby things!” Shirley said. The next day, they returned to the foster home and said yes. 

Their daughter, Deborah, was welcomed into the Kenoyer family in January 1963 at almost 4 months of age.

“My favorite story in my baby book,” Deb said, “is where Mom and Dad each had to write about the day they got me. Mom wrote that they were so excited to get me, then they had to drive so many miles. They would drive, then pull over, take turns and switch holding me!”

Being adopted “always felt normal,” Deb said. “We always talked about it. It wasn’t until I was older and people would say something. No one ever made me feel like I was not a full and complete member of the family — cousins and everybody.”

“We’re just family,” Shirley said, smiling at her daughter. “I think we are blessed to have the opportunity to adopt children.”

More children

The Kenoyers went on to adopt another child, a son, in 1965, when Deb was 2. This was another closed adoption, but this time they didn’t have to wait as long. Born out of state in a home for unwed mothers, the birth mother resided in South Dakota. Cliff and Shirley were notified about the child three weeks after he was born.

Then, two years later, in a surprising twist, Shirley was not feeling well for a period of time. 

“She kept getting up and she didn’t feel good in the morning,” Cliff said. “One morning, she was feeding the kids breakfast, and I said, `You don’t suppose you are pregnant, are you?’”

She was. Shirley gave birth to the couple’s third child, a son, in 1967.

The family had grown to include three children. Today, the Kenoyers have five grandchildren, and the clan traveled to Disney World in October to celebrate Shirley and Cliff’s 50th wedding anniversary.

“One thing they told us when we adopted,” Cliff said, “was we would not feel any different from those who have natural birth. And we have both.”

The next generation

Deb and her husband, Darrel Kjerstad, always planned to have a family. 

“Darrel comes from a big family,” Deb said. “He’s the 10th of 12 kids. And I was not put on this earth to not have children.”

The Kjerstads were married for several years before they decided to start a family, first establishing themselves financially and purchasing a home. 

“We waited until I was 30,” Deb said. “We tried for several years, and nothing happened. We were told, ‘You can spend the money to do in vitro, or spend the money to adopt, and probably have a result one way or the other.’”

“It was an immediate mutual decision” to adopt, Deb said.

Their daughter, Lauren, came to them through an open, local adoption. 

They began exploring adoption by going to classes, meeting other families and then completing all the paperwork necessary to become adoptive parents. They were interested in an open adoption, in which the birth mother and adoptive parents meet and share information about themselves before and after the birth.

“We created a profile with information about our lives, pictures of us and our home, and the birth mother selected us,” Deb said. A 19-year-old woman who already had two children, the birth mother was looking for a family who could make the baby a priority in their lives.

“She wanted us to focus on Lauren. The birth mother has all the control of the situation. She decides who she wants. We said in our letter, ‘We are open to anything, happy to discuss any options,’” Deb said.

The birth mother wanted a family who was certified to provide foster care, so the infant could go home with the family right away, as the adoption process and legal paperwork takes several weeks to months. She also wanted a family who was willing to cut the umbilical cord at the birth.

“She wanted us to have that memory,” Deb said. “She knew that memory would be important.  She was 19 and was making some heavy adult decisions that she knew would be beneficial and fabulous to us and to Lauren. I can’t imagine doing that at age 19.”

The Kjerstads were counseled about the possibility of the birth mother changing her mind, up until the time the adoption is made final.

“We had a wonderful connection with the birth family,” Deb said. “An open adoption is very different. The birth mother wanted to see the baby, and that was the most heart-wrenching.” 

She described meetings with the birth mother and her extended family, in which the Kjerstads basically handed over the infant, while she was in the Kjerstads’ care as a foster child, not knowing if the birth mother was wanting to change her mind and keep the baby.

 “We had a lot of faith in our birth mother,” Deb said. “What an emotional, selfless act of love.  How someone can see that is the best thing for that child, to separate themselves from the act of adoption, to me it is a gift to everyone involved.”

A son from Korea

Two years later, the Kjerstads adopted again, this time a little boy from Korea, in a closed adoption. 

“We knew we would definitely want to do this again, it’s so worth it,” Deb said.

The couple visited with a representative from Holt International, who explained that there is a desperate need for families to adopt. 

“She told us there was a great need for families, and there were a lot of little boys available because a lot of people request girls,” Deb said. “We said our first choice was a boy, but we would take anything, take twins.”

Their second adoption progressed relatively quickly, with the paperwork taking just nine months to be completed. Two months later, they received a letter in the mail with a picture of a baby boy, a child that the Kjerstads allowed Lauren to name Nolan.

“You know you are approved, so you watch the mail,” Deb explained. “You get a packet in the mail and you have to send it back. How could you say, ‘No, not so much!’

“He was so cute! We sent off our letter. It took only six months till we got him on Father’s Day.”

Nolan was cared for by a foster mother in Seoul, then escorted to Denver, where the Kjerstads met him at the airport.

Lauren was there with her parents, welcoming her baby brother. 

“That’s her baby,” Deb said, explaining how there is very little sibling rivalry between the children, who are now 6-1/2 and nearly 4. “Lauren adopted him.”

For more information

An Adoption & Orphan Fair will be from 8:45 a.m. to 1 p.m. Saturday, Nov. 15, at Zion Lutheran Church, 4550 S. Highway 16. Topics to be discussed include domestic adoption, foster care, international adoption, attachment and tax credits. Agencies represented include Shaohannah’s Hope, Mission of Mercy and Wendy’s Wonderful Kids. For more information, call Lisa at 787-5913 or Dana at 393-4381. Lunch is available.

Lutheran Social Services

www.lsssd.org

348-0477, Shirley Conrad

Bethany Christian Services

www.bethany.org/southdakota

343-7196, Rapid City, Reva or Renee

307-682-1292, Gillette

Catholic Social Services

348-6086, Rapid City

Contact Marinell Scott Thornburg at marinell.thornburg@rapidcityjournal.com or 394-8280.