Debra Kelley and her daughter Hallie always have been close. For years, Kelley was a single mother focusing much of her time and attention on her only child.

So when Kelley helped her high school graduate pack up and move to Scotland to attend the University of St. Andrews, her life quickly changed.

The 52-year-old suffered from depression, anxiety, guilt - all the emotions of empty-nest syndrome.

"It's one extreme to another," said Kelley, a licensed professional counselor. "You are in it, it's full time, they are by your side … then all of a sudden, they are not."

Sending your offspring off - whether to Europe or a place nearby - can be heart-wrenching for parents.

Symptoms of empty-nest syndrome

Parents are grieving the loss of their child, Kelley said of the emotions accompanying empty-nest syndrome.

People feel depressed, anxious and lonely, and their thought patterns focus on the past, such as standing in their child's empty room, she said.

"It's a grief process. … Having kids leave is a loss," she said. "(And) there is a full range of emotions people slip in and out of. It happened to me."

Kelley said she felt guilty, asking herself if she had done enough for her daughter. One day, she called Hallie and asked her if she had made enough pasta salad, Hallie's favorite.

Kelley had friends whose children left, but it wasn't until her own daughter moved that she realized the true loss.

"As counselors, we don't realize until we have a personal experience … that helps bring something into focus for us," she said.

Her own battle with her daughter leaving has provided Kelley with the knowledge to help others dealing with similar feelings. And for Kelley, her daughter leaving was made more difficult by a few tough circumstances.

Two years before Hallie left for college, Kelley was diagnosed with breast cancer.

"I really had to fight not to use the cancer card," she said.

Also, Kelley had been a single mother since Hallie was 5 years old.

"We were really close," she said.

Kelley's unique experience continued when she took her daughter to Scotland. Kelley had planned on visiting a friend in Ireland after getting Hallie settled at school. However, on Sept. 11, 2001, her plans dramatically changed. Her friend could not leave Minneapolis, and Kelley was stuck in Scotland.

While her daughter was enjoying the independence of college life, Kelley spent the next week hanging out in the small St. Andrews community with no one to talk to.

"I feel like if I can get over it, anyone can," she said.

Liz Skjervem, a mother of two daughters, said life will be different when her last child leaves next fall.

"A lot of stuff revolved around the girls," Skjervem said. Her oldest, Sabre, is attending college at Black Hills State University in Spearfish. Her youngest daughter, Amber, will follow next fall.

"It will be difficult coming home and not having them here," she said.

Skjervem said she sees her oldest often; however, it is always hard when she leaves again.

While many parents feel the sense of loss when their kids leave, the emotions are different for everyone. Not all parents need counseling, Kelley said.

But some people feel alone in the process and need someone to talk to.

"One of the reasons I advocate for that kind of help is to validate the fact that it is a real loss," she said. "It is important for people to heal, accept it," she said.

If mothers and fathers feel that each day gets slightly better, they are moving forward through the grieving process, Kelley said.

"I started to feel better once I realized that this could be kind of good," Kelley said of getting back to focusing on herself.

Parents face changing identities

Change, while difficult, is inevitable. Parents many times put too much focus on their children and not enough on themselves or their marriages, which makes a child leaving even more strenuous.

"Eventually, when the child is an adult, the role of the parent changes," Kelley said. "(Parents) are grappling with that changing identity."

For years, mothers and fathers are going to ballet rehearsals, soccer games, science fairs and school concerts - with their interests taking a distant second.

"It's never OK to get our needs met through our kids," Kelley said.

People, especially women, often lose their sense of autonomy when they have children, she said. When kids leave, it is a great time to get that sense of self back.

"I'll encourage people to think what they loved to do before kids and marriage," she said. "The important thing for us as parents with adult children is not to allow ourselves to spend too much time in the past."

Parenting never stops; the role parents play in their child's life simply changes.

"I'm very much needed by my daughter. It is just different," Kelley said.

Preparing for departure

"People really need to be aware right away when they have kids that the home will eventually be different," Kelley said.

Being prepared for a child's eventual departure will make the day easier.

A few years ago, Kelley gave a seminar on empty-nest syndrome. One of her friends attended, even though her child would not leave for another three years.

"People need to look ahead," she said.

If parents know they may struggle with a child leaving, it is a good thing to talk with someone early on, Kelley said.

Parents also must not make their lives so much about their kids. Make time for yourself as well as your spouse, Kelley said.

"Create the life the way you want to live … there are other things your life can be about," she said. "The best thing parents can do for their kids is let their kids be who they need to be."