Crime. It isn't a good thing.

But it is good for newspapers, at least newspaper readership, that is. Nothing entices readers - especially to online sites - the way that good old-fashioned criminal behavior does.

On any given week, at least two or three of the top five stories involve some kind of misdeed. Drugs, drunken driving, theft, assault - you name it, people want to know what's going on in the world of criminal behavior.

I'm no different. Who doesn't want to know what kind of misbehavior is going on out there in their community? For me, though, the best kind of crime news is the kind in which there is a little something to take the edge off of the illegal behavior. That's why the best crime story involves a certain kind of criminal: the stupid criminal.

Of course, most wouldn't be criminals in the first place if it weren't for the fact that they lack a bit in intellectual prowess, but the best show an enormous disregard for any form of thinking whatsoever.

Here's a quick look at some of my favorites over the past couple of years, and one from oh, so long ago.

The snoozing bandits

Some guys have all the luck. And then, there are guys like this.

Let's start with the name. Yeah, it's playing like an outtake from the cult classic film "Office Space," but yes, the perp's name is Michael Bolton - Michael Arthur Bolton, that is.

But that's just the beginning of this thief's problems.

Back in 2007, he was on a neighborhood crime spree when, apparently, it proved too much for his constitution and he had to lay down on one of his victim's couches mid-theft.

That's where he was found the next morning by a neighbor who had come over to the house and saw the strange man lying on the neighbor's couch. Police were called; Mr. Bolton was arrested.

Later standing before a magistrate court, it was revealed that he had been in possession of some jewelry and sweets from a neighbors' home, where he had the audacity to claim he had bought the candies found in his pockets. As for the burglary charge for the home he was found in, well …

Of course, he might have gotten away with the deed if he had simply avoided taking some kind of tranquilizer before beginning his self-aborted crime spree. Note to self: Wait until after robbing the neighbors blind before taking the downers.

That holds true for another British bandit, Mark Smith, who followed Bolton's tactics and ended up beneath a victim's bed mid-burglary, sawing logs like it was nobody's business.

His victim even tried to wake him up, shouting at him and shaking him, but to no avail. Like Bolton, too, he had a previous burglary record and ended up spending a little additional time behind bars.

Pulling for the dumb guy

This video reminds me of that old "Far Side" by comic genius Gary Larson that shows the kid pushing on the door to the Midvale School for the Gifted. Clearly marked on the door is the word "pull."

Whodathunk someone might be able to pull it off in real life?

I especially like the part where the would-be thief walks away from the door, clearly dejected in his realization that he is facing a security system that obviously outsmarted him.

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A real kick in the …

Under the "This Just In" file, a man is being held on burglary charges for attempted burglary after breaking into a suburban Milawukee business.

Two key problems with his plan.

No. 1: The business was currently occupied, even though he didn't know it.

No. 2: The name of the business was "Black Belt Academy."

Yep, that's right; he broke into a business run by a Tae Kwon Do master, one David Kang.

Needless to say, it didn't turn out well. Kang was on a water break when he returned to his office and noticed his closet door was open with a light on. Upon checking it out, Kang found the suspect, Billy Brooks, rummaging through his clothes.

"What are you doing here?" Kang asked, upon which the suspect said he was looking for a ballet school for his daughter.

Needless to say, Kang wasn't buying and after a brief chase, Kang subdued Brooks in a nearby business.

From stupid criminal to country music star

No doubt my favorite dumb criminal story of all time is that of Merle Haggard.

The story of Haggard and his early life of mischief that landed him in prison is remarkable on two counts. First, that he overcame his foray into crime to become one of the biggest country music stars of his era. Secondly, it is remarkably stupid the way he found his way to the big house.

One night back in 1957, the young Haggard and a friend were drinking the night away, getting totally wasted before they suddenly had a moment of criminal inspiration - "let's go rob a restaurant/bar."

Waiting until after the 2 a.m. closing time, Haggard went to the back door of the establishment and pried open the back door. Much to his surprise, there was someone there waiting for him.

It turns out that it was only 10:30 a.m. Amazing what a little drinking will do to one's sense of time. Soon, Haggard got a new sense of time - San Quentin style.

One word: Ouch

Alcohol dependance is no laughing matter. But in this case, it's hard to deny.

An inebriated would-be robber tries his darndest to score some illicit booze is caught on multiple security cameras, and every step of the way, he fails.

Like all great physical comebacks, there are plenty of falls and missteps.

And perhaps as great is the resignation the would-be thief shows in his final moments of freedom, lighting up a smoke and waiting for the police to arrive.